Resilience & Parenting Anxious Teens

What's the link between exercise & mental health? How can I help my teen move their body?

Does it drive you crazy when your kid lies? Sometimes it’s something small, like: “I didn’t eat the last brownie” “Yeah I brushed my teeth” “I walked the dog” And other times it’s more serious: “I told you I was going to my friend’s house”’ “No, of course I didn’t drink/vape last night” “Yeah, I went to my classes today.” We all have lies our kids tell us, and some people get really triggered by them. We might end up yelling at our kids, maybe punish them. I’d like you to consider a different approach. It involves being curious about why your kid is lying and putting in some consequences if needed based on that reason. Why do kids lie? Most kids lie to avoid conflict; it seems easier in the moment. The initial reason depends on the age and/or personality of the child as well as what else is going on with the child. A few reasons kids lie: · They’re impulsive and tend to speak before they think. Once they put it out there they struggle to reel it back in. · Some kids lie about something they wish was true. One teen might tell another that he’s getting a car for his birthday even though he knows it’s not true. · Some kids made a mistake, know they made a mistake, but are scared they will get into trouble. · Kids with anxiety lie to avoid doing something or to avoid consequences. A teenager might hide in the bathroom when there’s a test, to avoid taking the test. Or might tell their parents that they went to classes when in fact they skipped class to hang out with friends. We all lie Before getting to what to do about your who lies, I have some news for you. We all lie. And sometimes we tell our kids to lie. You might be thinking “Huh? You crazy!” Think about the small lies your kids may have heard you say: “Sure, we can get a dog” “I love the birthday gift you sent me!” “Tell Grandma I can’t come to the phone” What to do? I’d like you to consider the thought that our kids are going to lie once in a while. And if they’re small things, maybe that’s ok. Can you ignore it? Our job is to get curious about why they’re lying. If you decide it’s something you want to address with your kid, here are some options: · Take a soft approach. A hard approach will make kids defensive, fight mode. If we get really angry, they’re going to be more likely to lie again. · If you need to get into it and you think (or know) they lied to you, ask to start over again. Say “I’m going to give you a few minutes, and when I come back let’s start this conversation over.” This gives them an out, helps them save face. You are more likely to be able to have a conversation to figure it out if you give them time. · If there’s consistent lying about something specific that needs to change, create a system. One family I know lied about doing her homework, which was affecting her grades. Their system was to simply make sure the homework was done. Not perfect, not done correctly, just done. When you create a system you are focused on a behavior or task; it’s not about the person. And you will take away the need to lie. She might not be happy with the system and that’s okay. The most important thing to remember is that they’re lying to avoid conflict, smooth things over. They’re not doing this TO you. Stay calm, get curious, and remember: we all lie once in a while.

I’m sitting at my computer alternating between annoyed, helpless, up to fuming, and back again. My child doesn’t want to try something new. They chose the activity, I gave them the choice, and committed to paying and driving at a time that's inconvenient to me. They said they would go. It’s on the schedule (which in my brain means it will happen). We’ve already postponed it once. But they won’t go. My emotions are roiling. Here’s what happens in under 5 minutes: Surprise – As in, Huh? WTF? My heart is beating fast. Annoyed - What do you mean you won’t go? Why not? What’s the problem? I take a breath, calm myself. Take a minute or 2 in another room. Get curious – What’s going on? Help me understand. Disappointment – Ah, it’s anxiety. It’s not really about the other things. Helpless – I can’t fix this. I know the best thing to do is take action but they just won’t. I encourage, push a little. Tell them I’m not rescheduling it again. Deliberate – should I push harder? Give in to the anxiety? I cry a iittle. Did you think I would tell you what to do with this topic? If only! 30 minutes later I was still thinking about it. The best thing we can do is to get curious which requires us to step back and look at the big picture. What else is going on? They are really tired for the last few days School starts next week They always have a hard time starting new things It must really suck to not be able to do what you want to They probably don’t want to disappoint themselves or me It’s almost never about just the one event… I go back into their room later just in case they changed their mind. I tell them their brain is trying to keep them safe, I get that. But can you hear your planning brain just a little bit tell you to go? You decide whether you go. I leave their room, go downstairs. 20 min later they appear. C’mon, Mom. Time to go. I pushed, backed off, calmed myself somewhere else for a few minutes, pushed a little more, and backed off again. This time they left the house for the activity. Next time might not happen. I try hard to figure out how hard to push, when to back off, but I often don’t get it right. I call this a win because I mostly stayed calm, got curious, and let them decide. I will keep pushing because otherwise they will stay in bed all day. I like my reason for pushing and backing off.

I used to think of the word “potential” as a good thing. Other parents, teachers and coaches used to tell me about my kids’ potential. I thought it was ridiculous at first; I found it highly unlikely my daughter was going to be in the Olympics. Except I started to wonder if maybe they knew something I didn’t. Could they see something in my kids? Maybe they did have potential I hadn’t seen. Here are a few examples: · My daughter has the potential to be a top athlete · She has the potential to go to a top college and be a Doctor · I have the potential to run a marathon · Our dog has the potential to… read more to find out! When we say someone has potential, we mean that they “have the necessary abilities or qualities to become successful or useful in the future” according to www.collinsdictionary.com. It is totally future based, and attempts to predict the future. And it predicts success and usefulness. When’s the last time we wanted out children to be useful in life? Here's the biggest AHA I had when I finally started thinking about potential: When we focus on our children’s future we are not accepting them for who they are today. Instead, we are hoping they become someone else. Whoa! All these things in one word that seemed so positive. The last two examples of potential bring it home for me. In theory I have the potential to run a marathon but it’s extremely unlikely. And if I really focused on this as a goal I would feel insecure and like a failure because deep down I know I can’t run a marathon. And I just don't care enough to put in the work. The final example is of my dog, and I can’t even think of what his potential is. We all accept him for who he is: a sensitive mutt who has many fears and is very attached to us. I do not wonder what his potential is, I don’t think about his future success or usefulness, I just accept him for who he is. I've decided to ban the word Potential from my vocabulary. The most important thing we can do for our kids is support them to be who they are. Right here, right now. Teens will know if we want them to be different, and this will cause disconnection. We all know what that looks like: arguments, hurt feelings, distance. We might wish things were different for them, we might have goals for them, but leave out the future based success and usefulness. Not helpful, as we say at home.